A little bit of honesty

I had been giving some thoughts about my life. Wondering why it is as it is right now. I don't know what I want to do with it nor any directions that I should be heading. Yes I am feeling lost, and I think it is mostly because of my decision to further my studies.

Taking this CFA course right after I graduate doesn't seem to be the right choice for me. Though decided on this path, I am still doubting. I loathe going to its classes, tests etc. I knew I lacked the passion to study this subject, had been trying to convince myself that its okay and it'll get better. But it never did. And not having any company to go through this with is making it much worse. I've never felt such loneliness in my life, ever.

I think I made a very wrong decision in this.

The truth was there all the time, I was in denial. I never liked it, why am I taking it?

I had been doing things which other people had wanted or expected me to do. In this case, mostly of my dad's, and perhaps my own expectations of myself. Of course he would've said that its my choice entirely, but my decision made was always out of conscience that he wanted me to do it or that I should do it.

I often wonder why I'm so conscious of people's expectations on me, and thinking how they'll think of me, of my actions. Maybe its because I knew that they care and I didn't want to disappoint them. Because 'I can do it'. But whether I want to do it, that's entirely another question.

I'm always trying to do the 'right thing', always analyzing and weighing my options before deciding. Very seldomly I do anything on impulse, and that very few coincidences always left me beating myself up thinking of the consequences and how it'll cost me. Ends up, I never enjoyed myself, I was never fully freed.

Is doing the 'right thing' the right thing to do?

If I were to give up, is that wrong? I skipped my tests, that's wrong. Someone told me, 'you're going to fail your final exams'. Well that's not very comforting, is it? I shouldn't fail any exams. I shouldn't give up. I should be responsible for my actions, my decisions. That's right.

Guess that's the main problem to all the unhappiness and the choices that I resented making in the past. I'm not a risk taker. Because I was afraid of whatever that might come. Of not living up the expectations, or not having the end results that I want. So I guess I won't be doing anything about it, for now, or maybe I never will.

Let's face it, I'm a coward. A very unhappy one indeed.